Being 40.

I'm only 4 months in, I'm still a newby really.   However, I feel compelled to share what it is like for me...being 40.  

I never understood when people feared aging.  I never quite got what the big deal was about entering a new age with a big zero following the first number.  I've always entered each new decade (That sounds silly, really.  EACH new decade, as if there have been many) with a sense of accomplishment.   I mean, I survived with minimal physical aging and maximum personal growth.  This is bragging, I know, but that is how I felt.  Bring on the next ten. 

I know it seems like I am going to launch into a hate speech directed at my new age, but it's not like that at all.  It's true, I don't like it.  Perhaps though, I just never said a proper goodbye to my last decade.  

My 30's.  I didn't fear those, not at all.  They were supposed to be the best years of my life, and now according to the BTDT masses, my 40's are.   I suspect in another decade, my 50's will be the new best years of my life, but I digress.  My 30's were sure a growing/learning experience.   In no particular order--Caimbry was born, rounding out and completing our little family.  My dad passed away.  Some friends passed away.  I had my first personal bout of cancer-just a simple skin cancer, but enough to become a sunscreen nazi and a more diligent mother.  I celebrated 15 years of marriage, and conquered all of the things that may have gotten in the way of that.  I became a pretty good cook.  I kicked ass at the gym for a solid 2 years before petering out and giving in to the gluttony.  I tried botox for the first time (it didn't work for me).  Taylor became a teenager. We bought our 2nd home and started our second business.  I started crossing my legs when I sneezed (just incase;)).  I started bonding more with women and forming real solid friendships (not to discount the ones I already had, I just got better at caring more about other people than myself).  I found my voice and started advocating for myself, people that I love and even people who I've never met.  I gained weight. I lost weight. I gained weight. I lost weight. I gained weight.  I made it a goal to stop caring so much about my weight and to be happy in my own skin.  A goal I have yet to accomplish.  I cared for an ailing parent in my home before losing her.   I went from being one of "the kids" who still got stockings on Christmas morning and Easter Eggs hidden for me on Easter morning to being the oldest generation left in my small family.   A weird feeling really.  I can't say my 30's were all they were cracked up to be.  But, they were BIG. In my 30's, I became a grown up.  

Now, I'm 40.  I found my first gray hairs and there are little lines that are sprouting from the corners of my eyes.  Laugh lines.  I kind of like them, because they indicate joy-right?  My weight is fluctuating less and is pretty much just on a steady climb.  I now cross my legs every time I sneeze, and it's really not for a "just incase" anymore, it's for a "good lord!  seriously?!  again?".  My knees hurt and playing on the floor with my kids comes with moderate but well founded fear that I won't be able to get back up.  Sometimes people call me "Missus" or "m'am" and now I know exactly who they are talking about.  Me.   I get carded still sometimes but there is always a twinkle in the eye of the asker that looks a little like *gasp* flattery.  Intentional.  My husband has aged beautifully, he is pretty dreamy and sometimes my heart still does a little pitter patter when I look at him.  However, my cholesterol is borderline high so it could just be the beginning stages of heart disease.  Dangit though, he really has aged way more gracefully, and I'm going to be honest....I'm a little envious.  The competitive side of me wants desperately to be the younger, hotter one.  I know, I know these are all physical grievances that come across as plain old ugly vanity.  It's true.  I care.  I don't want to care.  I am thinking though, if my 40's really are the best years of my life-I will stop caring.  I will love my beauty, all of it, and the inner will accentuate the outer and I will feel content, confident and free.  I really can't think of anything else to like about my 40's, so I sure hope this prediction is a sign of all of the great new wisdom that comes with...being 40.  

Goodbye 30's.  You taught me a lot.  40--teach me.  I'm open.  I'm a bit of a sceptic though, so you've got a lot to prove.  bring it on...