I haven't been much in the Christmas spirit this year. Ok, not at all. I forgot what Christmas means to me. I'm not much of a religious person, and I'm sorry if that makes any of you think less of me, but it's true. This year Caimbry has told me that she is just barely holding on to believing in Santa, elves and magic. She told me that the lady in line at the candy store told the clerk that she was buying stocking stuffers for her kids. I haven't told her one way or another what she should believe, I've just told her that she is the only person in the world that has any power over her own beliefs. This has made me very introspective (or else it's because I'm 40. Damn you, 40!), it made me wonder when I stopped believing in magic. It's been a particularly rough year. I've done a lot of questioning myself these last few months; my beliefs, my values, and above all else, my parenting skills. I fear raising entitled kids. They aren't rotten, not even kind of. I've been blessed with some great kids. Without naming names, but also in fairness to the taller one, the shorter one has been weighing heavily on my heart, her struggles are mine and my coping skills are showing pretty poorly. Christmas for me used to be about gathering with loved ones, Santa, magic and yes...even gifts. I can't remember a gift that has brought tears to my eyes or come at the most perfect time until this Christmas. Wrapped up in a big box with a pretty bow was a folded piece of paper and inside of it, in lovely, careful cursive were some of the most beautiful words I've ever read. My teenager told me that it's OK if I yell and get angry because it means I care, and she'd so much rather I get mad at her mistakes than not care if she makes them. She said she knows I've been struggling and that a sign in one of her classrooms reads....
F(irst)
A(ttempt)
I(n)
L(earning)
and that I am not perfect, and that she doesn't expect perfection because I am the best mom in her world. She said some other really beautiful things, but now I am just starting to sound boastful. I'm feeling pretty proud though, not because of her words about me, but because I've had a hand in raising her and it gives me hope that I'm going to do OK with the other one too.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that I found my magic this Christmas in the heart of my child. It might not be the same as your magic, and maybe I don't celebrate the real meaning the way I should, but It's back. My magic.
Merry Christmas to you and Happy Holidays too. Remember, if someone takes the time to extend you a warm greeting, don't get hung up on whether or not you are celebrating for the same reasons, take it for what it is. Kindness. Happy whatever and how ever you celebrate season!!
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